This cheered me up a little bit.

.. just get me out of here and let me do my own thing.

I need that inspiration back that I had a week ago.


I walked through a party filled with beautiful girls and didn't blink an eye. I only cared about two cards and a stack of chips... I dream about wearing nice suits and watches, riffling chips as smooth as ice... and bluffing without my heart skipping a beat... the rest is just details...

Sick life

How to lose money and be happy

It seems that no one I know will ever understand. I'm doomed to hear bad advice all the time. I don't even want to repeat it. I have to let it go in one ear and out the other. The only one who might understand if I gave her the chance... maybe that Korean girl from a few weeks ago. Maybe I'll see her again someday.

I'm not stuck up or stubborn. I think I do a nice job... No way would I let an easy day get to my head.

I had two great call downs tonight.

The first one, I had 56. Raised to 30 bucks or so. Two callers.

Flop QJ5, two clubs.
I bet $35. 1 fold, BB calls.

Turn, J of clubs.
He checks, I check behind. (Terrible card, pot control)

River, 3 or something.
He bets $80, I think and call.

He had KT for a missed straight.



Another hand, I had 77 in the BB.

Flop is QTX, all diamonds. I have a 7 of diamonds.
SB bets, I call. (whoever else was in the hand folds)

Turn is a 6 or something. Nondiamond.
He bets, I call.

River is another low card. Nondiamond.
He bets, I call.

Pair of sevens is good.


I ran fairly well. Straights and full houses, but no call down on either when I bet them big.
I also bluffed a guy off pocket queens, and he was absolutely certain I had a straight... nope, just bottom pair and a flush draw.


So I'm cruising along, and the last hand I play:

KQ of spades in middle position. Guy behind me has posted his blinds. I raise to $20.
He calls, so 4 callers total.

Flop is K67, two diamonds, one spade.
I bet $35, guy who posted raises to $80, everyone folds, I call.
I put him on KT or KJ at this point, and I figure he doesn't know I've hit the flop fairly hard.

Turn is a 4 of spades.
I check, he bets $200, I raise to $600, he goes all in, and I call for my remaining $500

I think my line was really strong... and I had to call my remaining chips since the pot was so large. I was absolutely willing to get it in here once I made my $600 raise. I'm not going to back down. Of course I would prefer him to fold here... I didn't put him on a set. I figured an ugly two pair at best, and he would lay it down. Well, to the river...

Brick.

I missed my flush.
Can you guess what his hand was?

I gambled.

I went snowboarding up at Mammoth over the weekend, and I had a lot of fun. It was originally going to be just me and my brother since his friends were thinking there wouldn't be enough snow. They changed their mind when the weather took a turn, and my aunt ended up going too. My brother and his friends stayed in Motel 6, and Penny and I stayed at the Westin. The wind was really crazy, and they kept parts of the park closed while we were there.

I got really fucked up Saturday night. It gets dark so early in the winter, and it seems like there's nothing else to do but start drinking once the sun goes down. My night was straight out of the movies. I didn't talk with that many people at the bar as far as I can remember but Hell, I probably couldn't even speak English anyways. I was just too busy drinking... I got lost on my walk back to the hotel, and I don't even know how I originally found the bar. I am a giant luckbox.

Anyways, I've been up late and browsing the internet at random, and I came across an amazing read. It's a story about a guy who packs up all of his stuff and starts traveling. He takes up a job as a rafting guide, and he winds up in Canada/Italy/Africa... I thought it was an inspirational read. HIs writing style is great and is probably what sells the story.

You can check it out on the poker forums I read frequently here:
http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/79/edf/changing-your-life-787/

It's making me want to travel, get out and see the world. I've already had some notions about visiting Japan and running around New York. I'm a scrappy, resourceful kid, I could do this...

This guy was traveling the world with $100 to his name at some points. Wow. Just wow.

fucking clowns

Yesterday was odd. I had fun, but I ended up ditching a girl. She just wasn't interesting or fun to talk with... I didn't know what else to do. She spent half the time I was with her texting other people on her sidekick. She couldn't hold a conversation if her life depended on it. Smoking and drinking weren't an option either, so I felt like my best option was running for the hills. So I did. I grabbed some In-N-Out on my way home to console myself too.

Making lists, checking them twice, and dreaming

It is hard to quantify how much I've learned at my new job since working for my uncle. Just yesterday, I was thrown in the lion's den. I had an edit session with a client who wanted to put together a DVD. It was everything at once, and this kid wanted to work quickly. So I'm capturing, capturing, capturing, then chopping, cutting, and editing within minutes. I started using tools I was briefly familiar with.. offhand knowledge that I cannot cite sources from...

I took some risks in using tools I wasn't experienced in using, but I knew the end product I needed, and I needed to take those risks to get there. I did admit that needed help in some minor areas, and it turned out that help I needed amounted to more knowledge I can use later.

I figured how to erase timecode and and add proper subtitles in the same session. Amazing. I need to put these ideas into practice. Practice leads to perfection.

Yesterday, I also had a project using Adobe Encore. I had briefly used it a handful of times before. Maybe once, actually. I steamrolled through my next project which had previously taken me days before. Which wasn't a fault, mostly inexperience, and I know a lot more now. Of course Encore is a buggy program. That's why you need to save more often. That's why you need to know what you're doing before you do it.


And then today, I'm calling up a program assistant about FTP information for one of their domains. I troubleshooted the hell out of the problem I was having... they had given me the wrong account information, but I was able to change one of their passwords and by pass their webmaster that was unavailable.

So now, I'm kicking back with my feet on the desk. Metaphorically. Figuratively. Whatever. I'm king of the world.

And I'm not really doing as much cool stuff today. I do have a job interview I'm looking towards though. And I have some callbacks to make, too. Gotta keep moving forward. I've been shot down a few times already, but that's not the point. You can't hit the ball unless you swing the bat. "I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

That wasn't the point of this blog though.
I wanted to remind myself that I had a dream this morning...
In it, I was talking with someone. I think female. She asked if I was becoming a chemical engineer. I remember replying with an excited "YES!" I think she was becoming one, too. Or she was a psychic that predicted me to be a future chemical engineer. I can't remember. It was just a dream. Either way, I was happy with myself.

One more credit card down, one more to go

I'm halfway through paying off my second credit card, and I'm excited looking at my bank account. It's a feling of relief. I feel like "I'm going to make it!" I had a credit card with 0% introductory APR, and it's year of 0% APR is ending next month. I've kicked into high gear, and I've forced myself to pay off it's remaining balance as soon as humanly possible. If I didn't, the deferred finance charges would kick in, and I'd owe immensely. That can be a scary situation, but I'm glad I've paid attention to the bills that I come across.

My barber was talking to me about credit cards, and how he has $20k in credit card debt. He has 3.9%APR on it though using some balance transfers and such. Things could be worse for me. I'm on the right track. :)

And just imagine what a second job would do for me. It would be explosive. I picked up applications to about 5 different restaurants in Valencia, annd I'm going to fill them out later tonight. Monday afternoon, I'm going to take work off early to head back up to Valencia to hand them all in between 2-4pm. I'm not done there though, I also want to make callbacks to every single place I gave an application to try scheduling interviews, too.

I feel as if I've completely changed my lifestyle in a matter of days. Change can be instantaneous. I'm excited about the next week, and the weeks to come. I wasn't pushing myself before, and now I'm realizing my potential.

I even had some time to contact a couple DJ companies. I can't give up on my dreams just yet. You can't succeed if you don't try. I'm going to make things happen for myself.

And of course, school decisions about Spring 2009 from UCLA and CSUN should be arriving any day now. Mid-October is what I heard from UCLA. :)

Welcome to the weekend

My car broke down yesterday, and I was devastated.
But I'm persevering.
Persistence is my biggest ally.

I was thinking a lot today

Probably the worst words ever uttered. I'm going to stop thinking. It's time to take it easy.

I've had my transcripts sent over to UCLA and CSUN, and now I just had my SAT scores sent over there as well. I thought I would have an answer from either of them by now. I just want to go to school damn it. Keep your fingers crossed.

I saw a hookah lounge across the street from my work that was opening up and hiring, so I'm inquiring into that. I want to get a second job so that I can get out of debt much quicker. Maybe I'd meet a few people, too.

My plans for this weekend involve ebaying and Craigslisting all of the junk that I don't need. The thought crossed my mind about selling the turntables. They're worth a lot of money, and I'm not putting them to use right now. I can't afford any money on new needles. And do I really see myself going down that avenue in the long run? That's such a tough decision. In all honesty, as fun as it is, I've been thinking that it's not right for me. If there's a shadow of doubt, I should probably pursue something else. You have to completely love what you do.

I plan on junking or listing...
Odyssey Coffin ($100?+)
Xbox 360 + 20 games ($400+)
Hard drive + Macally case ($100+)

I hope. Selling the Xbox off will bring back some much needed cash. I'm not going to follow through with upgrading my current 360 to an elite. I don't have the time or energy to direct towards that. I've got more important things on my mind. Like school and work. That's where my head needs to be at. I woke up this morning wanting to get my butt in gear. I feel like I'm trying to go into overdrive. There's so many things I care about that I feel are out of my control. But I need to focus on the things that I CAN control.

Figuring out how to be healthy

I was just starting to see some results from working out, but I've slowly let it slip away in the past few weeks. Now I'm redoubling my efforts starting yesterday. I've got a new morning routine that I think is going to work well. The past couple weeks, I've been running late to work as well. No more. I'm forcing myself to roll out of bed at 8:00am, and I'm letting myself only stay up till 1:00am. That should be more than enough sleep, and what else do I need to be up late? I can play Halo again tomorrow or the next. Of course I'm talking about weekdays for this plan. If I'm able to get up that early on a weekend, that's great too.

So I get up at 8:00am, do a great amount of pushups and situps, then I'm gonna lounge by the pool and read/write a book for awhile. I'll be up early enough to choose whether to be early to work, if traffic permits. And maybe I'll get a small tan, too.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm being optimistic, and the uncertainty is exciting.

A shovel digging to Hell, let's be happy

I feel as if can't accept a smile because I feel like it doesn't know this reality. It's lost! There's no way you can be smiling right now. I used to value the innocence of that... and now that it's taken away, I feel like it's a lie.
I've pigeon holed myself into unhappiness.

Sad, really.
I feel like maybe I've been down this road before.
But It's actually completely new territory for me. I've never been so shocked or pushed to such a level. You can have your buttons pushed in places you've only dreamed of. Doesn't everyone like a challenge?

Things have turned, let's say, "weird". It's a chance to prove who I am, and I know what I should do. But I'm having trouble forming the simplest of words. I sort of feel like they're silly. Like maybe they won't be understood, or it would fall on deaf ears.

A confidant here, a confidant there.
I've taken a broken puzzle and tossed it's pieces into the wind.
I've now been thinking no one has understood the complete picture. And I don't know whether I want to be right or wrong about that. I think I'm wrong. And there's the optimism. So smile and be happy.

We hadn't talked in awhile

Are we all still just kids?
I don't want to be. But I know we are. We can admit that.
Though I stand by my actions.
I can't just say one thing, and do another.
I have come to value honesty. There is nothing else.

Tell yourself that
All is fair in love and war...
And I feel like I'm kicking and screaming

You don't know till you've been there
And I don't want you to go there
Cause it feels like there's no going back

Yet you can't just say let's just start over
There's still so much more
And so much more
You don't know
Forgive but never forget

The weight is only as much as you let it be

Love is wanting to do anything for the other person
But you can't sacrifice yourself for love
That's not what I want

The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

CalPoly Office of Admissions and Outreach

August 12, 2008 Bronco Number: 008012212
Term: Winter 2009
Residency: Resident
Major: Mathematics
Emphasis: Applied Opt

Nathaniel Torian
21600 Over the Rainbow Blvd Apt 1481
Woodcock Mountains, CA 91382



Dear Nathaniel,
Congratulations! You have been admitted to Cal Poly Pomona for Winter 2009 as a(n) Mathematics major. We are glad you have chosen our exceptional university and look forward to welcoming you to our campus community.

Your admission is subject to your completing all eligibility requirements and our review of transcripts of all college coursework and any other material requested to complete your application. All college transcripts must be received in our office by September 30, 2008 showing completion of all requirements with grades of 'C' or better. Transcripts of any college coursework completed must also be submitted by September 30, 2008 showing completion of all requirements with grades of 'C' or better. At this time it is your responsibility to carefully review the enclosed material regarding the steps required to complete the admission process. Pay close attention to all testing/document deadlines and to all correspondence you receive from Cal Poly Pomona.

You must successfully complete all applicable admission requirements. Please review the information regarding these requirements at http://dsa.csupomona.edu/admissions/admrqrmnts_ftt.asp. Stay on track to successfully complete all courses that meet the 60 semester/90 quarter unit transferable course requirement including English composition, oral communication, critical thinking, and quantitative reasoning (math). To determine if your courses meet the requirements, you may visit the ASSIST Web site at www.assist.org.

ongratulations again on your academic success! Information regarding your application is easily available at http://broncodirect.csupomona.edu. We look forward to assisting you as you consider the opportunities offered at Cal Poly Pomona.

Sincerely,

Scott J. Duncan
Director, Admissions & Outreach

P.S. E-mail is an official form of communication from Cal Poly Pomona. And you will likely continue to receive information at the e-mail address you provided on your admission application.

who tags a toilet?

You think you know someone

My coworker and I compiled three bags full of tapes into a DVD collection for an actress. It's a tedious process, and he spent way more hours on the project than I did. When the lady came in to pick up the DVD collection upon its completion, my coworker told her that she had a nice legacy. She blew off the compliment completely. And when she noticed that some of the tapes had been combined onto a single DVD, she started throwing a fit.

My coworker began trying to explain to her that there was no loss in quality, and she began complaining that she wanted the highest quality available. The tapes she brought in hold an hour's worth of film each, and DVDs are capable of holding 6 hours of footage. If you bring in Jurassic Park* part 1 and Jurassic Park part 2 on some 3/4 tapes from the 80's or even 70's, wouldn't it be nice for them to be combined onto a single DVD? And you're not losing quality!! You're gaining convenience. The difference between the movie spread out over one versus two DVDs is NOT noticeable except for the fact that you're going to have to pop in a second DVD. It's not going to change anything otherwise.

*Jurassic Park is just an example. She was not cool enough to star in Jurassic Park*

So she bitched and complained, and my coworker passed her off to another editor who calmed her down and defused her. It was also a complete shock because she seemed like such a normal person from all of the films we basically had to sit and watch with her in them.

And guess what? She won the fight. The client is always right. And that now means I'm the one who has to redo the transfers! That equals me having to look at her ugly mug for 12 hours all day tomorrow. Did I even mention she has red hair? She's supposed to be pretty according to her movie roles. But I can't see that. I can't see that at all. She's a complete hag and has-been.

What a bad way to end my work day. It was just nearing 5 o' clock which is the time I normally bust out of this joint.

Just venting.
Hollywood is a bitch.

Coffe is a drug

a client named Tito offered to buy the office some coffee and he came back with a large cup of Seattle's best for me. When I was halfway through with it, I could already feel the caffiene taking it's course...I have an empty stomach filled with a half stick of dynamite and I'm not finished taking my medicine yet

Ssome people like to plant flowers
I would rather plant trees

I swear I'm going to drop my phone into the toilet one of these days

Big wheel keep on turning

Proud Mary keep on burning
And we're rolling, rolling
Rolling on the river

Da da da...

And I feel so strong
If nothing goes wrong
...
Stay right back cause I'm taking on the dancefloor

the giant fuck you

I just remembered a story I wanted to share, but it wasn't worth saying. It was only worth writing. I may take a few shortcuts or PARAPHASE as I go because I'm dead tired. I did a couple extra sets of sit-ups and push-ups leading right into my bed time. I was hoping to send my thoughtful mind into a deep sleep.

But anyways,
Imagine a trap from the movie Saw. But then invert all of the dark colors into bright whites and greys mixed with a puzzle inside. I walked into one of those earlier today on my delivery run. I suppose I'll write more about it later though. I can't do the story justice when acid is eating away at my muscles. Sleep time instead.

Oh well, good night world.

The Best Week(end) Ever

1 mai tai
1 kamikaze
1 long island (mistake)
2 washington apples
And
3-4 French kisses

River rafting was a great experience.

Every second matters in life. It really adds up because life is too short.


I want to work hard this week so that I should be able to see her again. I reeeeeaaally need to take care of that work for Penny. And by really need to, I mean must. As soon as my foot steps in LA I'm already behind. I'm a nitwit. I can't wait to be back in school...

A couple things to remember
-Fix car, get new catalytic converter
-Finish work for Penny
-Continue working out (I think I've actually been doing surprisingly well in this department
-Execute clock movie idea for Clock Day, August 17th? 14th?? Whatever.

CalPoly Pomona sends $$

I haven't received any acceptance letters yet, but I did receive a letter from CalPoly Pomona letting me know that they're willing to hook me up with some financial aid loans. Some parts subsidized and some parts unsubsidized. I could use it to towards paying down my private loan, too. Way chill. We'll see what else develops.

"are you okay?"

On my way back from delivering a hard drive to another studio, I spotted a bum lying down in the middle of the sidewalk. I wondered how long he was lying there and how many people had already walked by. I could see that he was slowly moving his hand in front of his face, and I assumed he must be on acid or crack...

So I asked him,
"Are you okay?"
And he replied,
"Do you have a million dollars for me?"
I said no, I don't have anything.
He waved me on and said,
"just keep on walking"

Can't blame a guy for trying.

la mesa, no more

(goodbye san diego)
the day before yesterday was my last day in san diego
i didn't realize any of its importance until the night was coming to a close
its possible that i wouldn't see my friends for years
i just didn't think about it
no way i would want to dwell on that
i was just going through the motions
i don't know how i ended up where i did
i was along for the ride
to be honest, i didn't want to spend time with anyone going into the weekend. i didn't want to party.
it probably wouldn't have felt right to me.
but things went great the way they were
and then...
it's already over
gone
just like that, poof

damn man


there was no scene i wanted to create
and there was no teary good bye

i know it is never good bye
until the final good bye
i have no worries about seeing anyone again
nothing is final
traveling is easy as making a phone call
and marking a calendar


did the good times outweigh the bad?
there were good times, and there were great times
that shouldn't be a question

but to be honest, i don't think i'm going to miss that house
i just wasn't in love with it like i was with the barn
i could never seem to get comfortable
my routines were shit
i never even had a job the whole time i was there
oh wait, i did. but i threw it away like a dumb ass
gosh i was a dumb ass for that.
i wish i had 10% of foresight and knowledge i have now
the best thing to do is to live and learn

do good things

and good things will follow

right now i'm exporting scenes out of some tv shows for a client
it sure is funny how this industry works sometimes
our office is located next to an actor's studio
and also a talent agency next door
i often see kids my age with stars in their eyes outside their offices
or on lunch breaks or whatever
and i also see the greying professionals who will never get their break
so many hopefuls
so many faces
all i know is that i'm doing okay

in the middle of writing this blog, i felt my first earthquake
up here in LA
wow
an earthquake...
thats nuts man.
i can only imagine it'll get crazier with time

Amazingly refreshing

I just got back from dumping my car full of old junk at the Miramar landfill. Finally that futon is out of my life. Good times and bad times with it. It was completely falling apart by the time we were done with it. When I got back from the dump, I packed my car full of even more junk. This time it's going to GoodWill up in LA. I've got about 45 minutes before I pick my dad up from the airport. After dropping him off at the ranch, I've got to get back to the house to sell off my bed and my TV. And then I have to run back up to the ranch either tonight or tomorrow morning to take my dad back to the airport before I head back up to LA. This is going to involve a lot of driving. I'm glad I've prepared a little and got all of my stuff packed away in my car already. There's not much else I can do right now but sit and wait till it's go time.

I had some Jack in the Box about 30 minutes earlier, and I don't think that sits well in an empty stomach. I ordered 4 tacos, a chicken sandwich, and their Jr bacon cheeseburger. I plowed through the first two tacos, and slowed up on the chicken sandwich. This kind of food can't be good for me. That must be obvious. I put the rest in the fridge. Maybe someone else will be hungry when they wake up.

Hmm... not much else going on at the moment.
I hate waiting.

Countdown!

This is a timer counting down to when my plane lands in Oakland. It's been too long since I've last seen Shannon.

Quick thoughts

I don't smoke, but I will

Don't forget you miss someone

How do you know when love is real?
I'm thinking that's something you have to feel for yourself.
Nobody is going to pull out a dictionary on you.

Gosh, I really miss that girl
I've been counting down the days

Things I would change?
None but myself
Be the change you want to see in the world

A change of pace

On my lunch break today at work,

Okay oops. I just got interrupted. I had a typo on a guy's name when uploading his demo to the internet. His URL and headline both had the typo. I misspelled Jamie as Jaime. Blah! I just got it fixed though. I've been tricking out my laptop with every program that's being used in the office. I got Episode Pro and Dreamweaver today. I also got Fetch and updated my Toast. My little laptop is turning into a killing machine. I bet I'll be reinstalling Final Cut Pro eventually.

So back to my story,
I went over to Quiznos for lunch today. It's right next to the office, and I received a $50 gift card from my aunt for my birthday. I was wanting to try their honey bourbon chicken sandwich upon Shannon's recommendation. I usually order the classic Italian. In fact, I think that might be the only sandwich I've ordered from there. It's that good where I don't feel like taking a chance on anything else. I've already got my routine down. But I decided to stray from the path today and open up my sandwich world.

I also found two coupons for $2 off large subs in the office, and I decided to print my own copies of the coupon. I didn't want to steal someone's coupon. So I scanned them into a computer and printed them out. I was able to fit 3 coupons on a sheet of paper, and I neatly cut them out using the paper cutter. I could've gone the extra mile and scanned both sides of the coupon, but I decided against it since that was just extra wasted work. If I was denied the discount because of my coupons being copies, I would go back and try it the next day with both sides scanned. And with a different employee. It's bound to work sometime... it's just a coupon...

So I ordered my honey bourbon chicken sandwich, and went to check out. The Asian guy at the register told me the sandwich already had a discount, and I couldn't use my coupon. With drink and chips, the sandwich came out to $10! What kind of discount was he talking about I wonder?

I really thought I was going to be denied the $2 off because it was a photocopy and not the original coupon. Surprise, surprise. I couldn't use it at all. I'm going to go back next week and try the same thing with my usual sandwich, a classic Italian. It probably already has a discount too, but it can't hurt to keep trying. I still have $30 left on my gift card, and I might be able to lengthen its lifespan. The only thing I don't think has a "discount" on it is probably the premium steak subs that are like $9.

That's my lunch break story.
The end.

Recalling two seperate nightmares

The past two mornings I woke up relived that it was only a dream. I had two nightmares that I was able to remember rather well. I don't have nightmares that often. Atleast I don't think so, or I don't remember. So two in a row ranks well on the "shitty mornings to wake up to" meter.

The first nightmare, I was out of town and didn't know anyone around me. I was at a party with two other guys and a girl. The guys were awkward, and I didn't particularly like them. And I ended up sleeping with the girl even though I didn't consider her attractive. She was an ugly blonde girl. I was urged on by the two guys. I knew I was cheating on Shannon, but at the time, I told myself she wouldn't find out and that what I was doing was harmless. I must have been drunk. The next day at school, everyone was talking about it. Even though I was out of town, I don't know where, I knew Shannon would find out eventually. I was full of dread and regret. I didn't know how to solve my problem, and I felt like there wasn't a way to fix things. I woke up and felt really weird about that nightmare. It might have been triggered by the last phone conversation I had with Shannon before I fell asleep. Cheating is horrible.

The next nightmare, I was making out with Shannon in my car. Don't get me wrong, that part was great. But then my uncle parked alongside my car, and I thought he might spot us doing things. He ended up not seeing us though, and I realized that my uncle was oblivious. Then Shannon and I decided to go to the park nearby. It was a huge playground across from a Taco Bell. As we were going through the park, I noticed a third person following behind us. I realized that it was Amanda's brother. And Shannon had disappeared and turned into Amanda. While running through the park, I later saw Amanda peeing while standing up too. I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "what does it look like?"

I told her to stay away from me. She began chasing me while pushing a baby carriage. I pushed it back at her and told her to keep away. I ran inside a school, and I tried to find a door to hide behind. I laughed manically as I rattled each knob, hoping someone would help me through to the safety of the other side. I found a cashier's office in the school, and I went there. I asked the lady behind the desk if she was a counselor and would talk to me about my problems. She said she could, even though I knew she was a cashier and not a counselor. My first question was, "where am I?" She replied that we were in Michigan. This totaly blew my mind, because I've had no intention of going anywhere near that fucking place. I had no idea how I ended up there. As I recounted my story to the lady, a couple other people gathered around. And my story sounded familiar to them as well. "Oh, you're..." They already knew what was going on and had heard my story before! They asked me if I was actually upset since I was laughing earlier in the halls. "No! I was laughing because I was hysterical and just trying to get someone to help me." Honestly though, I couldn't make sense of it all.

I remember I tried calling Shannon to get me a plane ticket out of there. And then I remembered that I flew for free. This still left me confused on how I was in Michigan. It was like in Fight Club where the narrator finds out that he's two people. I found out that California had magically turned into Michigan overnight without me flying anywhere. It made no sense.



I woke up feeling completely stupified, and I told Shannon about each of the nightmares as best I could the next morning while I still remembered the details. That's the only way I've been able to remember anything like I have was through repeating it before. I'm glad she could laugh at it, though I hate the fact that I had these nightmares at all. It made me appreciate how I'm doing now. I don't read that much into dreams or try to dissect every little symbol or thing, but I think it's obvious what kind of things terrify me or the things I fear. Anyone in their right mind would fear an ex pushing a baby carriage. It had a baby inside it, of course.

Blog? Title?

The title of this blog used to be "thesuicidekid". I picked the title at a time when that was exactly how I felt. A suicidal kid. Now don't get me wrong. I am fully against suicide. I would never bring myself to that, and I don't see it as an answer. Ultimately I just felt trapped in a depression. And I felt like a kid because I was short sighted. I could never see past my problems. I'm wanting to get away from those feelings of helplessness. A simple blog title could change my mood as I began typing an entry. And now no more will I be thinking of typing for thesuicidekid's blog. I've got to be more optimistic. I've got to be looking up. I've got so much going for me right now.

Today I applied to a couple schools for the winter semester. CalPoly Pomona and UCLA. Engineering majors. Let's hope I get in. That would be really exciting.

It was my 22nd birthday yesterday. My golden birthday, too. Time to quit being a kid.

test

vdsvs

Falling hard

I'm smitten. I've fallen hard. I admit it. And I know how my last relationship turned out. Belive me, I know. But go ahead and tell me anyways. Remind me, sure. I'm not going to let that slow me down though. I'd rather be moved on quickly! Why slow down? And for the record, I am. I'm totally dome with thoughts of that ex. It's someone I rather not think about. I only see an ugly human being when I think of her. I don't know how I was attracted to her anymore. The inside matters so much, it's true.

And I don't want to jinx anything but everything I have right now is so real, and it feels so right. I'm not exaggerating. Funny thing is that I didn't see it coming. Shit happens, and try to be happy for others.

Two-Face makeup

Some tips and help on making yourself into Two-Face. I love the rubberband and Q-tip trick.

Check out this video: Realistic Two Face Make up : BFX



Add to My Profile | More Videos

Hey,

Actions speak louder than words. Things I need to take care of,..

find out reverse bus route
fly into Burbank, hop on bus, get home
grab car registrtion papers (binder/mail?)
clean up the mess at my aunt's house (beat her home hopefully, ugh)
laundry
Don't sleep yet
drive down to SD
get new catalytic converter (mine was stolen)
move records, desk, night stand, bed, tires, whatever
clean up garden
take care of corsica registration
give clothes to goodwill or box up
return to LA by Wednesday morning, hopefully

I'm working on making this blog more cheerful and constructive. Its not a journal for spewing negative thoughts.

Creating face

I have been completely bored of Myspace recently. It feels like stale air. I've just been absolutely bored. All week. Part of it is probably being by myself at home all day. And sitting around is just killing me. Refresh. Nothing new. Nothing exciting. Minutes, hours, and days go by. Refresh. Nothing.

Shannon suggested I make a Facebook page. It didn't take much pushing to get me to make one. Anything new is fine by me. I never made one before cause the site restricted users to signing up with college emails. I figured I would make one once transferred from Palomar. Well they've since dropped their old requirement and any email will do. Of course I don't know how to do anything on the site. But that's okay. Its something to do and mess with I suppose. Now I can refresh and check out 2 pages online when I'm bored, yay. What I found cool about Facebook so far is that it integrates Digg, Flickr, and Blogger among others. That's neat.

And wow, my day at Edit Plus started so slowly. And then I got busy as Hell. I look up and 2 hours have passed since I was last able to look at the clock... One sentence later and 45 minutes have gone by. Close to 24 hours and I should be on a plane to Oakland. Just one more day of work to get through.

just hanging on

i'm going to sell my xbox and ps2...
when i make it big, i'll buy it all again.
thank god for backward compatibility
xbox 360 and ps3 will handle that...

Edit; TESTING 1 2 3

I have an appointment

I'm hanging out at a place of dread. I know I shouldn't be scared. Or awkward, or feel anything at all... But this place gets to you. Its like the Essesence of a cemetery. Inevitable creepiness that gets into your head. I had heard stories about this place. And now I'm here myself... Its for a great cause. I should have been there for those previous...

Oh, Los Angeles.
I'm the only white guy in the room.
too afraid to look up and confirm
haha

Just keep your head down and keep on typing...
ohhh, seems like my phone makes it easier to type sideways.
It feels like a Sidekick this way!

EDIT: Omg, someone knew what I was talking about

ultra weird dream

i was on a plane ride, and i borrowed a book from riley to read while i was in the bathroom. the toilet began overflowing when i flushed it. i ended up getting his book wet, and he hated me for it. it seems like stuff always happens like that where it's not my fault. but then again, it is. be more careful. or pay more attention.

i ended up all wet as well. i ended up in my underwear and shoes/socks for the plane flight.
i dont remember why, but the crew told all the passengers that no gays were allowed on the plane. there weren't even any gay people on the plane. i don't know why they wanted it that way or were so pushy about it.

arrived at some kind of camp. i had a gun on me. i remember talking to teki, and he asked me what kind of gun i had. i knew what kind of gun he owned because it was a cheap one. somehow i found a gun on the ground and put it into my pocket. it was still visible in my pocket. i was wearing shorts. i had a gun in each pocket.

there was some fishing going on. a piece of shrapnel landed next to me as the line was yanked up. it was the piece of a plane. people were fishing for plane parts.

then i remember a team of police officers approaching me. i knew they wanted to take me in. i had two guns on me. i dont even know how i got the first gun, but it was mine. and the second gun i found. and they handled things so badly. the first guy didn't even use my name. he said something along the lines of "hey you, i want to talk to you!" Basically rude. Well, I didn't want to talk with him. he said he was letting me know that he was trying to control the situation. i told him how i felt. he was a jackass putting on a show. I wanted to talk with the other officers that were already on the camp grounds. a lady trying to run things had a really annoying voice too. i told her to shut up. i told the main officer to shut up. i could tell they were trying to inch forward. i told them to take two steps back. just shut up and take two steps back. let me talk.

i woke up before i could resolve the stand off. i remember feeling cornered... but i was standing up for myself. i was arguing with cops

California to Legalize Weed for Everyone

With enough signatures, Californians could be voting to legalize marijuana in the upcoming November election. They need 694,354 signatures by September, 5, 2008. It's totally do-able. Its been over a decade since Proposition 215, the Compassionate Use Act of 1996, was passed with over 5 million votes in favor.

read more | digg story

Finally home... away from home..

I got back from the airport around 1:30am last night.
I don't regret a thing.
The only thing I regret was not being able to stay longer.
I'm head over heels for this girl.
It's different this time. Completely different. Another world.
I went out there looking for a getaway.
And I got so much more...
She has the kindest and biggest heart. Always has a smile.
I am going to be there for her in every way possible.
I'm already in love... everything has been a rush...
She's thought ahead of me
and has the courage to speak what's lingered in my mind

I met

After the disasterous events of she-who-shall-not-be-named, Shannon offered me a vacation offer away from San Diego and southern California. I'm glad I took her up on this offer. I discovered a great girl I never would have imagined existed or was possible. Not in my wildest dreams. I have fallen so hard so quickly, and she has told me the same. Where do we go from here? As we've told each other, we have our whole lives ahead of us...

Yet another weird dream

I had returned to San Diego, and Kevin was over. He was the only one home. He was playing some remix in the DJ room, and I remembered thinking to myself "Oh great, another DJ..." I know that's how I shoudn't feel. When I went over into the other room, the music was actually coming from a cassette player and not the DJ equipment. My ipod was also there, which I had lost ages ago.

The DJ equipment had been moved and set up on top of a bench press machine. I guess it had to make room for another weight lifting machine that had been put into the room.

Guts was right part 2

its probably bad when you identify with the scruffy hero who has no friends... he was right once more when talking about his search for friends. and guess what? they all died too. nothing to do with his fault or anything, but sad. atleast he admitted everything. he found what he was searching for. right in front of his face all along... some people think its so obvious, but it really isn't sometimes... sometimes you feel like you have to search the world... its the endless pursuit of happiness... and its often found right at home...

Anime can be deep yes no?

i am a bad listener

so everyone keeps telling me
but i don't listen!

"the time of the great eclipse draws near. soon the demon kings will descend."

i used relied on my ability to read between the lines
i had stopped paying attention to the lines themselves

EDC

$75 for tickets
$25 for parking
$1 for poster
$25 for t-shirt

trip report and pictures soon

edit: got it right hurr fool
The Electric Daisy Carnival trip report!
Doors opened at 4pm-4am.

Though the information online said no outside food or beverage, I packed a few goodies along anyways. I brought along a couple granola bars, a couple water bottles, two gatorades, and Mr. Bubbles. I put them in my napsack, packed away smartly, and made my way to the coliseum around 3:30pm. I didn't quite listen to my aunt about the traffic. I heard her say it would take 30 minutes without traffic, so I figured I was on schedule. I didn't quite comprehend the traffic part! I'm a terrible listener. I should have left atleast an hour before I did.

As I neared Martin Luther King Jr Blvd, I hit the line of cars getting off at the same exit as me. My TomTom said that I had only 1 minute and 35 seconds till I reached my destination. That minute turned into about 2 hours! Parking was $25... or I could have been 100 yards closer for $40 parking! What a rip.

Anyways, I picked up my ticket, and I got in line... I cut maybe a thousand people by moving up as far as I could... and the line still stayed as long as ever. At one point, I thought of jumping the fence to get into the carnival. The first area I thought about jumping had some guards standing nearby, so I decided against it... the second area I thought I could jump with the help of the tree above would land me behind some outhouses. It was perfect. So I asked some guys next to me if they would help boost me if I attempted it, and they said sure.

I grabbed onto the fence and tried my way up it. No luck.
My messenger bag began slipping down my side too, and I couldn't quite manage to get over. I ended up with dirty palms from gripping the fence and a little scrape on my way down.


I know what this looks like haha

If only I knew I'd be waiting in line for two more hours, I would have redoubled my efforts on jumping that thing! Jumping over the fence would have saved me from the dreaded line, ensured my bag making it through security, and not missing any of the DJ's. Oh well...

When I rounded the corner of the long fence, I came face to face with another line! It was time for security and bag checks. When I was about 10 people from the front of security, a manager lady told security to quit patting people down or swiping with metal detectors because it was taking too long and the line was getting longer. I had my bag around me hanging behind my back as I got patted down, and the guy patting me down ended up asking me if I had anything in it. I said no, he let me go, and I away I went! No sweat, right?

FINALLY INSIDE.

I called up Phil, and he said he was at the main stage. I made my way over and... WOW, the view was amazing from the top of the stairs. The stage was immense, and there were two carnival rides inside the arena.


Main, Kinetic Stage


Carnival Rides inside Arena


Carnival Rides inside Arena 2

I can't recall which DJ I saw first on stage first. It must have been Eddie Hallowell. Either way, he was good. Pumped up the crowd. Jumped on the table at one point. Awesome. So I made my way to the front searching for Phil, and I was within maybe 3 people of being dead center at the front! Quite amazing how I was easily able to get myself up there so quickly. But I wasn't able to find Phil, so I exited to the left and made my way up to the front all over again, haha. I exited right with no luck once more.

Then Christopher Lawrence came on, who I recognized from Nocturnal Festival the previous year. He was up to his usual antics and put on a good show. At one point during his set I threw a glowstick towards the stage, and I must not have recognized my own strength because it flew much further than I intended. I expected it to land in the front of the crowd while it ended up bouncing off one of his CDJs!! I must say he kept cool and kept on playing with no hestitation.

I decided to take a break from the coliseum, and as I tried to make my way out of there, I had to fight a wave of people going the opposite direction. That was so insane... everyone had to be told to back up because the stadium stairs were being flooded with people. Once out of the stadium I ran around going to random places or whatnot. I can't remember where or why really. There wasn't much rhyme or reason. I remember there were some busses straight out of Across the Universe hanging around opened up to people able to hop inside. There were some huge white tent bubbles where people were able to crash on some bean bags, too. I took advantage of that later that night.

I made my way back to the arena in time for good ol' Benny. As I was running around the stadium seating, a girl out of nowhere gripped me, sat me down and asked my name. I had some time, so I thought I'd chat for a bit. And of course she was rolling, she couldn't keep her hands off me... She told me her name was Serendipity and asked if this was my first rave. I told her it was my second, which I think is about right if I'm counting Nocturnal Festival or whatever... and then she asked if I had a rave name. Wow... no? The subject changed, and I ended up not getting one though. At one point she even asked if I was a cop. I replied that I was only 21... Then she pulled along another guy to chat, and it was time for me to bounce. Well, I couldn't stay forever because Benassi was on in 5 minutes. So bye Rachel... I mean, Serendipity!

A highlight of Benassi's set for me was his Bring the Noise remix by Public Enemy. I didn't particularly like the song before, but now with the amplified stadium speakers, the song really came to life! The build up was amazing... "how low can you go? BASS!" So much detail went unheard before. That song was really meant for a huge crowd to dig.

Then Moby took over. Shaved head and all. Good stuff.
Then Paul Van Dyk. I enjoyed both their stuff much more than I thought I would.

And I never ended up finding you Phil! Sorry. I understand the crazyness on both sides. Cell phone reception was crazy all over the place, too, combined with the loud music... terrible place to try to find people... it's much easier to get lost in the crowd, haha.

Other highlights... hearing some of my favorites getting repped... I just knew I would hear some Daft Punk sometime along the night... and I got one of my favorites, Aerodynamic. Which reminds me! Watch the movie Interstella 5555.


Clip from Interstella 5555


At one point in the night I took a 30 minute nap. I woke up since it was starting to get so effing cold. To warm up I went out and danced some more! Nice incentive for a good time.

I also saw Krafty Kuts late that night/morning. He turned "Smack My Bitch Up" on its head. There was a camera on his every move, and it was nice being able to see him work the tables on screen.

Ah yes, and gifts of the night.


Poster


Shirt


Ticket, glow bracelets, flashlight, and glow earring

Bracelets littered the ground, so there was no point in me buying some myself. The earring I found late that night too, and I thought it was a nice touch. The flashlight came in super handy. I loved it that night. I was able to spot things on the ground, and I was also able to watch my footing. I had to watch out for people laying on the ground receiving light shows... so annoying if you asked me... I don't really mind that you're doing a light show, but do it somewhere else... like not on the dance floor...

Also, not sure where this fits in with the story, but a security guard ended up pushing me for no reason. I was walking into the stadium, and the guy pushed me and kept walking. Some people behind me asked if I was alright. That was so weird. I didn't do anything... maybe it's because he was black and I was white? Haha. Whatever.

When it was all said and done, I crashed in one of the white bubble tents for a couple minutes after buying my poster and shirt. Then I walked to my car and took another nap while traffic cleared out.

Sunday has been my day of rest.
Great event overall.

like a bon fire of dreams

guts had it right

and then i laugh

i look at my age
and i look at some of the problems around me
and its funny
im only 21
for a couple more months
haha

such a kid i swear

forgetting

the perfect ingredients were missing

only needed sour cream
and
ketchup

the tacos were almost perfect
mmmm

going berserk

got outta work.
EDC is tomorrow.
currently watching berserk!
also have 1408 to watch.

i saw interstella 5555 last night.
i love daft punk
so smooth
entertaining

good fun

EDC!
TOMORROW
EDC!
Yay

i had this weird dream

i was at the barn again, but everything was changed
it was remodeled and looking different
i had got there late with a ride from riley's mom
brandon was over, and everyone had just finished playing catch football
i was looking forward to football with everyone but i missed it

looking around inside...

the organ was taken apart and put back together
it looked like a mess, but it had meaning
it had a hard drive of some kind
that had always been there
but it still needed another part
some kind of fan or cooling mechanism
i really didnt understand what some older guy and riley were talking about because it didn't exactly make sense. jibberish really because i wasnt meant to understand it

and then i sat down to watch tv up at the barn
i was eating sour cream and onion ruffles
and the sequel to donnie darko was playing
i knew i shouldnt have been watching tv but it was already late and getting dark, so no more football was going to happen. i should have helped out somehow, but i didnt know how to. i knew all of the movement in the barn had to do with synthesesia. there was an excitement in the air. i remember riley writing in a weird language, or it was a familiar language but sideways/out of order, written all over some circuit boards held in clear plastic ice cube looking boxes stacked on top of each other

joe had changed his myspace default to a picture of...
some blankets, cardboard boxes, boomboxes, and cassette players setup in front of the tv at home, too. i assumed it meant we were going to learn to break dance

meeting and doggies

i'm currently at a best western up in merced. a small city a couple hours north of los angeles. i forgot what day of the week it is.

ah, wednesday.

saturday is the electric daisy carnival. i wonder if i'm going to go...
hmmm... i'm at a coin-flip...
okay, back to packing things up

working for my uncle

yesterday i worked for my uncle on a short film set. i spent about 15 hours yesterday working my ass off... i learned a lot very quickly, and it was hard work. there was also a lot of lingo and vocabulary to pick up on. it was fun, but tough. and all for no pay... i can positively say i know how that feels. all that work just to have a name in the credits... i heard i'll be up in the IMDb for the film i helped with, thats pretty cool...


and now im working for my aunt till thursday...

headspace

***************************
its not about what happened

the other day I fell out of the fucked up tree, and i hit every branch on the way down. i had two friends at the bottom catch me. i dont know what kind of abyss they saved me from.

and later that day, i saw the fire inside them. i hadnt seen that side of one before, and i was speechless. shocked. i really think i saw what true friends were capable of...


all it really took was a few words and being there. thats all i wanted or needed. just make sure i dont kill myself or make bad decisions. and i got more than that. i really laid myself out like a sacrifice. i poured out everything, and it wouldn't stop coming. that wouldve been the time to stomp my head on the curb if someone wanted me dead. i needed that hug more than she knows. i wanted a group hug hours earlier but was too afraid to ask. i never thought id think those thoughts before. it was all there.

the full story is in the mind of those who were there. the pain, the reality, and the intensity were all there. it cant be recreated. it cant be played out or explained for anyone. i do a bad job at trying because things will never be the same.
***************************

change was on its way

it happened quicker than i could say yes

i can feel it in the air, and i can feel it in my body. i was thinking on the way up to LA about how im going to meet people i've never met before, and how refreshing that might be. i still love my old friends. i was just thinking that new faces is what i need if i plan on continuing to date anyone. i need someone new to break things up... set new things in motion... something so new... so fresh... ah whatever. I just had the thought that I'd never met my wife in my lifetime yet. And I must keep looking and searching. Keep hope alive.

now that im in LA, i have a lot of time for thoughts. maybe some time to change my body. maybe change the way i eat. im own my own for cooking. spaghetti, tacos, burritos, and ramen are going to change my lifestyle.

hitting the fan

shit went to shit yesterday

i got back from drum circle
easily arguable as the best night ever

and then i tell everyone about how amanda committed suicide
i have a breakdown
sob sob sobbing
uncontrollable
honest emotion


hours pass and then i come to find out its untrue
it was all made up
from a couple different people feeding me lies



...


what the fuck
what the fuck is wrong with people

i just had someone ask me why i killed their sister


i cant even tell anyone yet

ive made some mistakes

some bigger than others

and now...
how stubborn must i be

i am going to be devastated if this happens
destroyed

its not fair

well i beat god of war for the psp in one sitting
good game
albeit short

ever felt like maybe the world is revolving in the wrong direction?

i think maybe im coming to realize why im unhappy
in my pursuit
i destroyed everything around me
of course i pushed people away
i wanted to know who i was
i thought maybe that was the process
people went through


but its not even close


and deep down i think few do know who i am


it feels like i have something to prove
but the saying goes that you have nothing to prove
im not so sure about that

well

words are just words

written in blank space
they dont do anything

how much meaning can it have
especially if its unread
but atleast written

its easy to be unhappy
when youve destroyed everything around you
and
its hard to be happy
when youre stuck with that mess
and have to clean up
but its the only way

if you know whats worth anything
you would try


as said before
out of sight, out of mind


but im not going to let that win

exaggeration, and hurt from directions unseen, coupled with lonely thoughts... i can see how giant monsters can become when left unattended. so monstrous you want to give up. you feel powerless.

but
dont roll all of your problems into one until its impossible.




sometimes i wish it was just a poison i could throw up

sometimes

i feel like my truest thoughts are written right here
away from all other bullshit
its a safe haven
a little piece of the world
a slice


i wish so much was different
i do feel like i make the same mistakes
but... i dont know
i want space
and then i want love at the same time
i feel like my own thoughts are a conundrum

i had quit weed for awhile
a self exercise, coupled with peer pressure
i went a couple weeks without it
and then i saw the stupidity of everything/anything
i saw someone else who had gone even longer
without it and bite the bullet
it doesnt really matter in the end
as long as youre happy
and you dont turn into a couch potato
its a nice cycle and all
stay on top of it
and never lie to yourself


happiness is key to everything
(im searching, and very bad at it)


got 2 PSPs the other day
turns out that the hacking scene on them has gotten tougher since the release of PSP slims, which are a little smaller in size than previous PSPs. nowadays the mods involve breaking open batteries to flip switches or solder some connection. i wish i had my old PSPs. but these new ones are silver and red. i want them to work... i want mariokart for the snes on there. i want vectorman. i want super mario brothers 3. i want the casino kid. i want bubble bobble. i want breath of fire. i want final fantasy 3/6. i want chrono cross!!!! i want final fantasy 8!!!! i want parasite eve 2!!!! poy poy.

i think i still have tons of PSone isos and PSP isos on my external HD. should be a joy flipping through all the files. no point yet though.

im thinking about im getting a prehacked battery.

i was wondering if maybe its impossible to be understood or have others understand you in some instances. maybe its just impossible. but no waste in trying to communicate right? right

doggie toy heaven

its fun to watch time in reverse

las vegas runs on crack time

goddammit
you know what
i also thought about
was that i know when its time to quit
i pulled out of a poker game
and that was good for me
it was late, i was against a tough table
and while being card dead
the only pots i won i would lose minutes later
and it was fine
cause i knew i would crush with a string of cards
they just never came
i was tired, time to go

didnt go to any clubs
either closed or like $20 so i passed
and went to bellagio for midnight cards

so many weird stories
like a lady throwing a chair at a dude at the table
bright daylight that hurt my eyes morning
right outside near the front...
the other day it was insane



it didnt seem so weird at the time because youre
just in that moment where somehow it makes sense



-$500 @ O'sheas 1-2 NL
-$200 @ Bellagio $4-8 Limit

I wanted to bust that old man so bad.
He was grumpy.
And dumb.
Got him to shove his stack with nines
I knew he would shit himself if i called
He got really lucky. Quad 8's.
Won the high hand of the night for like $120 too.

I tripled up with quad 3's.
Imagine that. But it wasn't as good as quad 8's.
And another guy had AK and three aces on the board.
Quad A's right? But it doesn't count for the hi hand jackpot
because he's not
holding a card that's playing?
What the fuck.
Okay.
I get it now.
Barona has better dealers, floor, and
everything

remember when i fought for that chopped pot?
i was calling for cameras
haha
so awesome...
gimme my pot!
and i knew that little kid i was playing with would cry
and yeah i chopped it with him
the floor was on my side, and i knew he would be pissed
it was all his money! lol, his dad gave it to him he later said and he's taking a shot at vegas i guess... he would go broke

I'm currently at the Penn and Teller show right now. I'm in line to sign an envelope. Should be a good show. It starts in about 10 minutes. Also got to see some of the World Series of Poker earlier today. Its mind boggling how large the tournaments are. Puts things into perspective on what it takes to win a bracelet. And you could probably guess I'm hanging out at the Rio right now. I gave up $500 playing poker earlier this morning too at O'sheas. It always stings to lose, blah. And then I lose confidence and wish I could quit poker. And then I realize that I love it too much. I did have a bad run afterall. Lost with kings twice. Chopped a $500 pot I should have won, but I had mucked my cards and had to call the floor. Of course it doesn't help to have a hangover with no food in your stomach. More later, I'm going to try to have a great Saturday night in Vegas. How hard can it be? On with the show!

LOL. I have 39 cents left on my poker stars account. I shouldn't have thrown away my stacks so quickly. Fun while it lasted for 5 free dollars.

I've been dabbling in penny poker online. Should be fun. I've been trying out Sit n Go's most recently. I've been 4 tabling them. It doesn't require too much thought it seems... I'll see how that goes...

And no... the pain hasn't gone away...
I am so empty right now.

i cant wait till 2013.
then all conspiracy theorists can shut their faces.
and then we can die happily by nuclear war.

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

I had a dream last night that I was in love with a girl from Alaska. She was born with a penis, yet I still loved her. That's comforting.

There's so many things I wish I could fix.
How much of it can I really change?
I wonder.

Edit:
I can change a lot.
I have to stay positive...

Ended with a B in my differential equations class. It paid off hanging around in the math study center. It was my homework assignments and takehome test the last week of class that boosted me over the edge. I got a D+ on the final, which was hard as hell...

And when the dust cleared, my grade jumped from a C to a cherished B at 80.3%!! Yay!!! My hardest earned grade in quite some time.... thanks to those who dealt with my couple of days of math obsession (whether you knew it or not)...

working

found a job of sorts. Im working for my aunt as a personal assistant. Today I'm doing an assortment of errands. I unloaded and loaded her truck, bought cookies and water for her upcoming meeting, dropped off dry cleaning, had a set of house keys made, bought stamps, and now I'm printing addresses onto envelopes to stuff them. Its all in a day's work. Fun stuff. I'm going to take Bailey to the dog park after I'm done printing envelopes, and then I'm going to fix Penny's wireless internet.

Wtf happened

so much has happened in the past few days... Visiting amanda once more for DEMF weekend, not getting a ride from the airport, gambling it up with chuken (2) and kevin at viejas... And now I'm stranded on the side of the road in my shit car, overheated, and now the battery is dead too.... Fucking shit

I guess I can eat my words.
I finished maybe half the problems on the final.
Atleast my takehome test and my turned in homeworks will boost my grade!
I wonder if I'll end up with a C or B.
C is most likely.

Hanging in the math study center

I've been studying for my final in differential equations for the past two days. After buying my ti89, I've been confident as ever. The expansion function alone warrants the $150 price tag. And I keep finding more and more to love about this thing. It has 100x the power of my 83. It's not even close.

Well time for my final.

stuck at the Detroit airport

I'm at the Detroit airport right now, and it doesn't look good for making my flight. Its overbooked by 5 people... Not cool. Maybe there's another way I can get out of here. I'll have to call my mom and find out I guess. I only have two plane tickets, so my options are limited. Hm. Well anyways, I got to spend memorial day weekend with amanda which was nice. Had a nice picnic.

Once I get home I have to study my ass off for finals and make my grade. I'm on the cusp of a C, but this has been the hardest fought grade in quite some time. I think its cause of my return to school has been a bumpy tide since the fires. No more excuses. I have 3 days ahead of me of pure math shit. I hope I'm on time to class today. My flight might kill me...

I'm hanging at the Chicago airport right now... Just thinking about how easy it would be to steal unclaimed luggage. Its lying around for the taking around here... It is 2 in the morning but jeez. If this was San Diego, they'd probably shut down the whole airport, ha.

I actually miss the cots they usually set up for the overnight passengers right now. I guess theyre not setting them up tonight because theres not enough passengers stuck in limbo. Dammit. Well, I got the airport back in my own way. You could say I peed all over the toilet seat. Just kidding.

5 more hours until my flight. Two more hours till I can get back into the terminal. Six more hours till I get to see Amanda. You do the math. I've got a good memorial day weekend up ahead, and I'm almost done with differential equations. My final is on Thursday! Egads.

And my job prospects are still low right now, but I'm working on it. I've got more apps to hand in as well as some call backs to make. I need a job pronto! I'm doing the best I can, right? I must work harder... Once I'm through with my math homework and final, there's no excuse. No rest until I have a job..

I want to succeed... work in equals work out.
Hm.
Fuck.
Shit.

And I gave up weed.

That'll put me on the right track.
I should feel healthier day by day.

The biggest thing hurting me right now is not having a job.

late

I missed MGMT at X-fest!! Nooooo. Missed them by 30 minutes. I didnt realize how early they'd be playing... On to jimmy eat world etc..!!!

Another day in paradise

I had totally forgettin about being at the zoo earlier today. I'm currently at a Mexican restaurant called Alambres in the Gaslamp. I shared my blog with Amanda today and she shed a tear! Oops, ha ha. I revealed my blog without much consideration of its contents. That is why I write as I do... No regard for audience... Writing for myself... Honesty and truth... That is what its all about. I am pretty much in love with this girl and enjoying every moment of it.

Well, I might be going to X-fest later tonight. Amanda and I are going to see if we can scalp a cheap pair of tickets outside Qualcomm. I am loving San Diego. And I mean that with all of my heart right now... Others should share this intensity! If they are incapable, they're missing out... I hate to think of Amanda leaving me tomorrow. Life can be cruel and great..

I'm at the airport right now, and amanda's flight was delayed. How much longer must I wait to see her?! Just 30 more minutes. An eternity! So I'm sitting at the airport in a rocking chair with flowers in hand... Only 30 more minutes... I also have to pick up my dad from the airport today too. What an eventful day.. I ended up selling my Dell laptop yesterday for $550. I nearly went broke, and now I've bought myself some wiggle room. My dad should also be giving me my tax return today for around $400. There's even a paycheck from the Party Staff that has god knows how much on it. So things aren't great but they're certainly looking up. This is the start of an awesome week with Amanda..

Goddamn I'm sitting next to this old couple, and the husband is bugging the wife to asks groups of people what flight they got off. Lmao. Chill the fuck out! Read the computer screens and get a cell phone! And if you have to ask around, do it your fucking self and don't ask your wife to do your work for you! Cranky old bastards. Ugh. I hope I don't wind up like that.

Job hunting begins... starts... as always...

a lot has changed

And by change, I mean good change. I was really unhappy with a lot of things for the past 6 months, but I've learned to be happy. And it doesn't involve being run over by others. I somehow got myself into the trap of thinking that appeasing others would bring the fun out of me. I was completely wrong. I remember being totally out of my comfort zone for very simple things. It was the circumstances, and mainly because well... On the inside I didnt want to be doing what I was doing. I felt pessimistic and wanted to be proven right. And well, when you're unable to have a good time thats most likely what will happen. Somewhere along the line I stopped giving a shit. It was the best move I ever made. Its not about being selfish either. Its about knowing what you want, and not only that, but chasing it too. No one will fill your dreams for you as successfully as you can yourself. As the saying goes, if you want a job done right...

I've written blogs elsewhere, buy I am thinking of sticking with this one on blogspot. I have a personal journal on my phone, an old blog whose site was shutdown, and even a myspace blog that I think is currently hidden. I don't think it shows on my profile page. But what I mean to really say is that i'm finding that writing is catharic. No matter where I write and whether public or private. And I'll continue to do so. Perhaps I'll start to share an mp3 or two that I come across soon like popular music blogs of late. Some very good stuff comes to mind that I wouldn't mind sharing with others. Nice gems that I unearthed.

Also, I recently met a girl that lives in Michigan. Her name is Amanda and she is fucking amazing. Its funny how shit can work out like that. She is the answer to my prayers, the girl that busts misconceptions and stereotypes, molds and archetypes. Perhaps I have found the perfect girl... Whatever the case, I have been very happy with my choices the last couple weeks. Its been an amazing journey so far, and I'm proud to say that. I'm visiting parts of the world that were previously shut off to me. I feel as though I am breaking through the retardness of having tunnel vision and a closed mindedness that I see in others. That makes me happy, and I hope my love and courage inspires others.

Well, I'm off to my next flight!

Hey

Does anyone believe in love at first sight?
But it's impossible!

...right?


I'm starting to enjoy more and more things about life.

I still feel so blah.

Complaining...
inexperience...
boasting...
and snobby introverts

It's not a good combination

Wow, now I've started to see the holes in other people's thinkings. There's always exceptions to the rule... why don't people allow for change? Ugh. I can't allow myself to fall into traps and absolutes.